We're got an old wound that Sarah Palin and her running buddy, John McCain, have ripped off the scab and torn open and exposed for all the world to see: The Divided States of America.
Although George W. Bush contributed mightily to the whole Red State/Blue State development and, before him, Ronald Reagan launched the Southern Strategy, until recently we sorta, kinda thought of ourselves as the United States of America.
No more. Thanks to McPalin, we've now come to realize there are real Americans and the rest of us. We now know there are pro-American parts of America and then there are those other parts in our nation.
Channeling Joseph McCarthy, Michele Bachmann, a Republican congresswoman from Minnesota, even pointed out that Barack and Michelle Obama are anti-American and called for the MSM to do a congressional investigation to discover which of her Democratic colleagues were anti-American.
This may sound like a bunch of nonsense to many of you, but I suggest we think about it. If the McCain, Palin, Bachmann crowd really don't think we're one of them—then maybe we shouldn't be.
I'm startin to believe that the First Dude, Todd Palin, was on to somethin when he was pallin around with members of the Alaska Independence Party and lookin into the movement to have his and Sarah's state secede from the Lower 48. I'm now believin that he was right in spirit, but wrong in who ought to be leavin who.
I'm figurin that those of us in the Blue States should let all those true Americans in the Red States keep it real. And I just received a viral email from my Jewish, suspected socialist-sympathizing friend, Chuck Halevi, spelling out just what we should do and what we'll get in the process and what we'll be leavin to the not anti-Americans.
Read it and smile:
Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our
own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with
us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California , Hawaii ,
Oregon , Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan ,
Illinois and the entire Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the
nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states. We
get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America 's venture capital and
entrepreneurs. You get Alabama .
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make
the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower
than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back
from Iraq at once.
If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for
no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs
turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
With the Blue States in hand, we will have:
firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh
water more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce
92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit
95 percent of America 's quality wines (you can serve
French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese
90 percent of the high tech industry - most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal all living redwoods, sequoias and condors all the
Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus ... - Stanford , Cal
Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have
to cope with:
- 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their
projected health care costs)
- 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes,
- nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes,
- 90 percent of the hurricanes,
- virtually 100 percent of all televangelists and
their buddies like Rush Limbaugh, as well as Bob Jones University ,
Clemson College and the Univ. of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you very much.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states
believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe
life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws,
44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you nincompoops believe
you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have the Mexican stuff when they knock your wall down.
Oh, and one last thing. Keeping in the spirit of who gets the short end of the stick, y'all can have Mavericks John McCain and Sarah Palin. We get Vice-President Joe Biden and, the Leader of the Really Free World, President Barack Hussein Obama, Jr.
Cyber Columnist Monroe Anderson is an award-winning journalist who penned op-ed columns for both the Chicago Tribune and the Chicago Sun-Times. He is a contributor to EbonyJet.com and The Huffingtonpost.com. You can read his blog at http://www.monroeanderson.typepad.com/